unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
