Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
