You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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