i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack