that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms