I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.