Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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