I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Randomize
