my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
