my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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