yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
