Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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