There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
