Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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