I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize