all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
