my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
