just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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