if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
