Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
