I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
