Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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