once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
