yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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