remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
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He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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