you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
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Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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