I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
