I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
