You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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