At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
