i wish my penis had a tongue
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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