You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
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Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
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I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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