So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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