I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
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Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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