I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Houston, we have a blender
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
