I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
