the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
third nipple confirmed
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
