matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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