I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
