True but thats because hes a fetus.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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