Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
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