was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
