Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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