Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
