Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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