I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
