Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
