Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
