I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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