Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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