That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
