I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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