i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
