Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
