Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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