She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I am one with the molecules
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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