Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
