Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
