How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
