If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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